Jake & Vienna: The Aftermath

I could not take my eyes off of the Jake and Vienna train wreck that was the final 30 minutes of The Bachelorette Monday night. It was everything I hope for and more. Well, kind of. I secretly thrive on this reality drama crap; it cracks me up. But that interview was over the top and very emotional.

Here's the highlights of the interview if you missed it: Interview

Jake was an absolute tool. And a douche. And whatever other choice words you can think of. Here's my take: He really wants to be a star. He did a few episodes of Walker Texas Ranger (RIP) when he was younger. He was a contestant on The Bachelorette, vying for Jillian Harris' heart. He was THE bachelor, and he chose Vienna. (To which we all said...WHAT THE HECK? More on that later.) He competed on Dancing with the Stars and ate up every moment of it. He filmed a guest appearance on Drop Dead Diva. Now, does that sound like a wholesome Texas pilot who just wants to settle down with his wife? Vienna said it, although not very tactfully: Jake is a fame whore.

Here's where I tell you this: I'm on Vienna's side. When Jake picked her, I hated her. She was the enemy of every girl in that bachelor mansion. I thought she was selfish and trashy. But now I see what the dilemma is. She's 23 and immature. She wanted love, and Jake seemed perfect. (He fooled us all with his act)

The actual interview.

• Jake was downright frightening. That chopping hand motion paired with the "STOP INTERRUPTING ME" had us all shaking in our boots. Albeit, I don't think Jake is all that strong and probably couldn't beat anyone up.
• It was horrible that he called Vienna lazy for not getting a job. He had her running all around America from LA, to Dallas, to Florida...FOR HIM. There's no way she could have been working.
• It's also clear that he was in it for the fame. Affection ONLY in public? He literally smiled for the paparazzi.
• I'll tell you why Jake described Vienna as needy and clingy. Jake was distant and practically ignoring her, of course she starts acting that way. She was in love with him.
• What about Vienna selling her story to Star? Jake would have sold his story as well, and I see where she's coming from. She wants her story out. Do I approve? Not necessarily. But I wish she hadn't taken the money, although it seems she needed it.
• Best line of the interview via Chris Harrison: "We don't really care about the dog."

Post-breakup Jake has been very active on his twitter (@jakepavelka1). He's still trying to win the fame. Apparently he threw the first pitch at the Detroit game. And he tweets a pic of himself in the cockpit as to prove to everyone that he HAS been flying, and that Vienna is apparently a liar. Who cares.

Vienna (@viennagirardi) has been tweeting things that make it seem like she's screaming to the world: "I'm totally over it! I don't care!" That's fine, too.

Jake and Vienna weren't meant to be together. We all knew that during the proposal in St. Lucia. I'm just sorry it just had to come down to this dirty tabloid war. On with the rumors...

My favorite rumor so far:

The Bachelorette: Episode 5

Iceland started out with a poetry competition. And the guy who won got a one-on-one with Ali. Awkward poems: Kasey and Chris N. Kasey, what were you even saying? Whoever said he needed subtitles was right. Chris N., it seemed like you were making it up on the spot. Poems I liked: Kirk, Roberto, Frank and Craig. Kirk definitely took notes during the Lion King date. He walked up to Ali and grabbed her hand and involved her in his poem. Frank did the same, but since he already had a one-on-one she gave it to Kirk. Yay! Frank kind of threw a fit, but he needed to get over it.

Kirk gets the first one-on-one. Yay! Their relationship has already progressed so much I sort of forgot he hadn't had a one-on-one yet. He really brings out the goofy side of Ali. And, I love what Kirk said about not feeling embarrassed to be his little-kid-goofy-self. He has hit little boy moments, and she joins in with him. Love needs silliness. And how precious (and dorky) were the matching sweaters? I loved it. I was a little worried when he wouldn't open up about past relationships, but when he finally did...man, it was a powerful story. He got sick from mold and asbestos. Ali was totally impressed with him by this and understood Kirk's positive outlook on life. She was able to understand that he isn't all fun and games, he's a real person too. (which is what she needed to know). They seem so natural together. I am totally Team Kirk! Kirk gets a rose.

Next is the group date: Ty, Frank, Chris N., Roberto, Chris L. and Craig. Those guys were definitely jumping for joy that they weren't on the two-on-one date. Those are a terror. Why were Craig and Ty fawning over how "hot" Ali looked at the first of this date? Cute? yes. Hot? no. They are really wanting some action, I suppose. Ty had an advantage since he's basically a cowboy, and Ali loved it. I'm not a huge Ty fan, but I think he played this date well. He helped Ali get strapped on the horse and he helped all the other guys too. Chris L. was getting pretty annoyed, but I'm glad he took initiative and went in the cave first. I would've been terrified to go in that cave! It looked like a blast! But, keep in mind, probably three camera men had gone down the hole before Ali and the guys had to. So that's not so bad. I thought the lagoon part of the date was so neat. Ali ripping off her clothes REALLY put the guys over the edge. They couldn't get out of their clothes fast enough. I was wondering the whole time if the lagoon was man-made. I was sort of panicking thinking they might be swimming with weird Icelandic fish and critters. Haha. Frank needed to stop pouting on this date. This is the Bachelor, if you want time with Ali you gotta be pushy. Ali noticed this, too. I think she needs to be sought after. She doesn't want to have to pull it out of the guys. I was sort of surprised we didn't see much of Roberto on this date, but I guess Ali knows she wants to keep him. Ty gets the rose for being there for Ali all day. Ew.

Meanwhile, wrestler Justin is plotting against Kasey AND gets his cast off! It was a tad over the top, and hilarious, when he threw his crutches in the trash. But, I get it, he's not restricted by them anymore. (And why did we not see anyone go nuts about the cast being off? No one even noticed?) It was pretty funny watching Kasey and Justin get prepared. They both think they have it in the bag. Kasey is still talking about guarding and protecting Ali's heart. Enough! It was great when Frank was encouraging Kasey to show Ali the tattoo. Frank doesn't care about Kasey. He wants Ali to see what a creep Kasey is. Evil little plotter, Frank. ha.

Justin and Kasey get the two-on-one. I've never liked Justin for Ali, but I was definitely rooting for him over Kasey. The ride the helicopter on top of the volcano. (So cool, by the way!) The ice seats and decor inside that cave were awesome, too! Justin talks to Ali first. He seems semi-genuine, but I'm still not sure of his intentions. I think he just wanted to see Kasey go down. The whole time Justin and Ali are talking, the camera is flashing to Kasey. He keeps talking about how he will go through any pain for Ali. GETTING A TATTOO IS NOT MORTAL PAIN, KASEY. He finally shows Ali the tattoo. She was definitely freaking out. It was funny. I think Kasey definitely needs psychiatric help. Ali pegged him though: he's in love with the idea of being in love. She let him down easy though. Partly, because she probably thought if she told him the truth (that he was crazy) that he would snap and go nuts. Justin gets the rose.

Cocktail and rose ceremony. The area they were in for the cocktail party was gorgeous, loved it. Quote of the episode: "Kasey came, he sang, he got a tattoo and he left." Hahah. Frank talks to Ali first, sheds a little tear and Ali is glad to see "that look" again. Chris N. is just awkward. He trails off when he talks. His guilty pleasure is mexican food? (Now we know why the camera never showed him.) I think he stayed this long because he was the lesser of the evils. Craig was pretty funny with his fake tattoo. It took off the pressure and let Ali laugh for a minute. I was glad to hear Chris L. say he would move anywhere with Ali. I love how close he is with his family and how much he admires his father, but it was good for Ali to hear that he would put his wife first. Kirk wears the sweater to the ceremony! Adorable. Chris N. goes home without a rose. Duh!

Letters to the fallen:

Kasey, I think we're all genuinely worried about your mental health. Get some help. And for goodness sakes, get your tattoo removed. No woman will love that.

Chris N., I don't have much to say to you. I don't know you.

Frank has been nixed out of my picks, leaving: Kirk, Chris L. and Roberto. :)

Next week: the Chihuahua-Wes style drama. SOMEONE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. My bets are on Justin.

Also, Jake & Vienna are over. Jake, please don't attempt to go on and win Ali back. Just don't.