The Bachelorette: Episode 5

Iceland started out with a poetry competition. And the guy who won got a one-on-one with Ali. Awkward poems: Kasey and Chris N. Kasey, what were you even saying? Whoever said he needed subtitles was right. Chris N., it seemed like you were making it up on the spot. Poems I liked: Kirk, Roberto, Frank and Craig. Kirk definitely took notes during the Lion King date. He walked up to Ali and grabbed her hand and involved her in his poem. Frank did the same, but since he already had a one-on-one she gave it to Kirk. Yay! Frank kind of threw a fit, but he needed to get over it.

Kirk gets the first one-on-one. Yay! Their relationship has already progressed so much I sort of forgot he hadn't had a one-on-one yet. He really brings out the goofy side of Ali. And, I love what Kirk said about not feeling embarrassed to be his little-kid-goofy-self. He has hit little boy moments, and she joins in with him. Love needs silliness. And how precious (and dorky) were the matching sweaters? I loved it. I was a little worried when he wouldn't open up about past relationships, but when he finally did...man, it was a powerful story. He got sick from mold and asbestos. Ali was totally impressed with him by this and understood Kirk's positive outlook on life. She was able to understand that he isn't all fun and games, he's a real person too. (which is what she needed to know). They seem so natural together. I am totally Team Kirk! Kirk gets a rose.

Next is the group date: Ty, Frank, Chris N., Roberto, Chris L. and Craig. Those guys were definitely jumping for joy that they weren't on the two-on-one date. Those are a terror. Why were Craig and Ty fawning over how "hot" Ali looked at the first of this date? Cute? yes. Hot? no. They are really wanting some action, I suppose. Ty had an advantage since he's basically a cowboy, and Ali loved it. I'm not a huge Ty fan, but I think he played this date well. He helped Ali get strapped on the horse and he helped all the other guys too. Chris L. was getting pretty annoyed, but I'm glad he took initiative and went in the cave first. I would've been terrified to go in that cave! It looked like a blast! But, keep in mind, probably three camera men had gone down the hole before Ali and the guys had to. So that's not so bad. I thought the lagoon part of the date was so neat. Ali ripping off her clothes REALLY put the guys over the edge. They couldn't get out of their clothes fast enough. I was wondering the whole time if the lagoon was man-made. I was sort of panicking thinking they might be swimming with weird Icelandic fish and critters. Haha. Frank needed to stop pouting on this date. This is the Bachelor, if you want time with Ali you gotta be pushy. Ali noticed this, too. I think she needs to be sought after. She doesn't want to have to pull it out of the guys. I was sort of surprised we didn't see much of Roberto on this date, but I guess Ali knows she wants to keep him. Ty gets the rose for being there for Ali all day. Ew.

Meanwhile, wrestler Justin is plotting against Kasey AND gets his cast off! It was a tad over the top, and hilarious, when he threw his crutches in the trash. But, I get it, he's not restricted by them anymore. (And why did we not see anyone go nuts about the cast being off? No one even noticed?) It was pretty funny watching Kasey and Justin get prepared. They both think they have it in the bag. Kasey is still talking about guarding and protecting Ali's heart. Enough! It was great when Frank was encouraging Kasey to show Ali the tattoo. Frank doesn't care about Kasey. He wants Ali to see what a creep Kasey is. Evil little plotter, Frank. ha.

Justin and Kasey get the two-on-one. I've never liked Justin for Ali, but I was definitely rooting for him over Kasey. The ride the helicopter on top of the volcano. (So cool, by the way!) The ice seats and decor inside that cave were awesome, too! Justin talks to Ali first. He seems semi-genuine, but I'm still not sure of his intentions. I think he just wanted to see Kasey go down. The whole time Justin and Ali are talking, the camera is flashing to Kasey. He keeps talking about how he will go through any pain for Ali. GETTING A TATTOO IS NOT MORTAL PAIN, KASEY. He finally shows Ali the tattoo. She was definitely freaking out. It was funny. I think Kasey definitely needs psychiatric help. Ali pegged him though: he's in love with the idea of being in love. She let him down easy though. Partly, because she probably thought if she told him the truth (that he was crazy) that he would snap and go nuts. Justin gets the rose.

Cocktail and rose ceremony. The area they were in for the cocktail party was gorgeous, loved it. Quote of the episode: "Kasey came, he sang, he got a tattoo and he left." Hahah. Frank talks to Ali first, sheds a little tear and Ali is glad to see "that look" again. Chris N. is just awkward. He trails off when he talks. His guilty pleasure is mexican food? (Now we know why the camera never showed him.) I think he stayed this long because he was the lesser of the evils. Craig was pretty funny with his fake tattoo. It took off the pressure and let Ali laugh for a minute. I was glad to hear Chris L. say he would move anywhere with Ali. I love how close he is with his family and how much he admires his father, but it was good for Ali to hear that he would put his wife first. Kirk wears the sweater to the ceremony! Adorable. Chris N. goes home without a rose. Duh!

Letters to the fallen:

Kasey, I think we're all genuinely worried about your mental health. Get some help. And for goodness sakes, get your tattoo removed. No woman will love that.

Chris N., I don't have much to say to you. I don't know you.

Frank has been nixed out of my picks, leaving: Kirk, Chris L. and Roberto. :)

Next week: the Chihuahua-Wes style drama. SOMEONE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. My bets are on Justin.

Also, Jake & Vienna are over. Jake, please don't attempt to go on and win Ali back. Just don't.

The Bachelorette: Episode 4

I will guard and protect your heart.

Ali, I want to guard and protect your heart.

I want someone to guard and protect my heart.

Ali, will you jump in my heart and stay a while so that I can guard and protect your heart?

WE GET IT KASEY. (Kasey got the first one on one.) You obviously failed the psych evaluation but the producers ignored it and put you on the show because, let's face it, psycho people make good reality TV. Honestly, that helicopter/museum date was constructed to be perfect. But it was a raging disaster. Take note, Kasey: impromptu, can't-hold-a-tune-in-a-bucket singing is not a good idea. Especially when you sound like Kermit the Frog. Did you notice her reaction? She gave the lifted eyebrows, head nodding bit. Not good, not good. Singing a second time was even worse. You were freaking her out! It MIGHT have been okay if you weren't a psycho and you had a voice like Michael Buble. I don't think there's anything else to be said about this date. (Other than how goofy it was that all the security guards were trying to scurry out of the camera's way since Ali and Kasey "had the whole museum to themsleves...") Ali, you should've sent him home then and there. I know she was thinking he was just nervous, but she's in for some trouble.

The group date was next. But we might as well call the group date Roberto's one on one. But he got it right. He was a terrible singer; I half expected Simon Cowell to come out of nowhere screaming. BUT he sang TO Ali. How precious, right? (I, personally, melted when Jesse sang. He was the only one with a decent voice.) Kirk's reaction cracked me up: "What? Why didn't I think of that?!" Someone, Kirk or Jonathan, called Roberto Rico Suave. Bahaha. Then all the guys had to watch Ali and Roberto's intertwined bodies practice and perform their Lion King dance. How horrible for them! That situation was a breeding ground for drama. Enter, Jonathan. We already know the guy is insecure and couldn't plant a passionate kiss on a woman if his life depended on it. But now he starts panicking. HE wanted that time with Ali. The rest of the date the weatherman is a spiraling mess. Once the Roberto section of the date is over, Ali and the guys go back to some kind of bar to hang out. Tension is high sine no one has had time with Ali. More panicking from Jonathan. Meanwhile, Ali and Craig are having a intimate conversation when Jonathan tries to interrupt and steal Ali. Typical Bachelorette fashion, yes? NO. Ali and Craig don't let Jonathan do this. (What?) Kirk, like Roberto, also did something right on this date: He told Ali to go to her room and get some sleep because she was sick. How adorable! It ends up working in his favor as he gets to tuck her in for the night. SO sweet. All the other guys are positive that Kirk is getting freaky with Ali, but he was a perfect gentleman. Go Kirk! No one gets a rose because Ali is feeling sick.

Kasey disappears and no one know where he is. We know he is out getting a tattoo, which I was positive was of Ali's name. Turns out it's of a shield protecting a heart. Shutter. To make things creepier, there are 11 diamonds on it for the 11 men left. Ah! And why did he lie to the guys in the house? I have no idea. Maybe he didn't want anyone else to copy his idea and also get a tattoo for Ali. Chyeah right.

Chris L. gets the final one on one. I thought for sure that Ali was going to ditch the date altogether. But, Chris ended up getting a better deal out of this thing. The date was more real life and very chill. And bringing chicken noodle soup and flower? Major points, Chris L. Major points. Loved the date. Loved them. I'm really glad they DIDN'T fly his dad out for the birthday dinner. That would have been so Jason Mesnick of the show. The birthday phone call was enough. It was sweet. Mad props to Ali for pulling herself together, although quite disheveled, and going on the date. Chris L. gets a rose.

The cocktail party and rose ceremony are up next. Drama, yes? Someone, anyone, should have told Ali about Kasey's sketch tattoo. I have no doubt Kasey would have been sent home if she had seen it. But I guess Frank is to blame since Kasey was trying to tell Ali when Frank interrupted. Chris N., who is that? He's like batman; never seen but always there. I hope he gets more airtime next week! Jesse and weatherman Jonathan are sent home this week.

Letters to the fallen:

Jesse, I'm sad to see you go. I was a fan. But, the chemistry with Ali just wasn't there. Too bad. Find me, Jesse!

Jonathan, I'm glad you were able to embrace the jokes and make fun of yourself as the weatherman. You and Ali just didn't have it.

See you both on The Bachelor Pad!

Now my top picks are: Kirk, Roberto, Chris L, Frank

Next week: Iceland, volcanoes and love!